22.2.05

Well, I'm not going to deny in any way that what Erich posted didn't "mess" me up. Because, it kind of did. . .

But okay, truly to me I don't see anything really changing between us if I get in or move or just get separated from him and everyone else. Things like that, the "consequences", don't bloggle my mind, may be as much as they should. I don't tend to automatically see the darkness as soon as it strikes.

Seriously, Erich, I'm willing to keep things as they are with us. Maybe because there things I just can't always take in saturatedly, but I'm pretty optimistic about what may need to be done to stay together. I mean, our story's always been different from many others, I don't think it needs to have a possible ending that's predictable, like those long distance blahs.

And still, in a sense, there's still time, God permitted. I believe in things being done because they're just Meant to Be. So, even if I am dreaming, I still feel that we too may be as such and doubt that things could tear us apart. Maybe I'm just in my own little world or am forever dreaming, but I'm willing to still stay close to you, even if it's clearly visible that the possible separation is of my doing. . . But I just don't want to end it like that, if anything. And above all, I just don't want to hurt you. . .never wished to. . .

And just. . ahhhhh. IMSA's always been that weird oasis Nancy and Lynda showed me. Seriously, I've been dreaming of having a dorm there for well over 6 years. I've never had as much support for trying out, applying to, trying to get into something as I have for this. I can't help it anymore that all obstacles are pushed to the back of my mind. I can't help it, anymore, that those who matter the most to me have been turned into blurred visions and that campus has been the only vivid thing. My ambition for making it there is what has driven me into this sanity. Surely, if I could see myself as I am now in seventh grade, I would be ranting on about what on earth has drugged me or if I got seriously smacked in the head or something.

I just ask that all others forgive me if I've been in this vain journey or have just been selfish with all this. My mad mood-swings and craziness have all been the nega parts of this. But I know I've managed to fix those up and just tried to still my head. I'm filled with a thousand thoughts and only 8 fingers, two hands, and one mind to express them with. . . . The only reason I would ever risk so much is if my full heart was placed into believing that that object would save me from living in the enclosure that I've always dreaded. I'm not saying I need IMSA, but I need to find the legs it could finally give me. I'm tired of watching all relatives around me travel and make great things out of themselves and feel so helpless in doing the same nothing every day. IMSA just seems like the fuel that I've been searching for in order to finally, seriously, get what I want out of life. ::my words may mess up now because I'm just super shaky and teary eyed and just trying to get it out::. I'm sorrie, but it's just something I need to do for myself. But it doesn't mean that my world will circle around myself alone, for it never could. . .

tea is served @ 11:13 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------