28.2.05

So, if some of you have noticed, I haven't replied to any those "Join Tagged!" e-mails. Why? Well, because I've been slightly evasive towards them and also just don't know what to do. It's not like I'm doing one of my random boycotts, but I just don't really feel like joining and have found fun in counting how many invitation e-mails I get. So far, the number of Unopened is: 9, and Opened is like : 4[ish]. So. . . Keep 'em coming!

tea is served @ 5:12 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

27.2.05

So, last night was not bad at all. I got to relax at home and hang with Lynda, she made a surprise visit. I thought she would be going to spree, but nah! So we were watching Chris Rock, and he's just crazy. I mean, yeah, he curses Ridiculously but he makes a point. He knows what he's talking about and it's true. Ah, it's just hilarious. . .

Oh and again, Krys thanks you! That was such a high boost you gave me, so much love to you!

And to all those that actually did go to Spree, hope you had fun!

tea is served @ 12:36 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

25.2.05

"But who can ever say, in statecraft, what is theatre and what is real? One mirrors the other."
[London]

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24.2.05

Of course many of us are fully aware of my "mellow-ness" of this week. I think my best way of putting it is that there isn't a significant object that's brought me to this, but there is an object in it's vague tense.

I'm hurt, angry, tired, feed up. I don't want to sit anymore and take in unnecessary stress. I don't want to hear about all these plans that still dance upon the lines of "All Set" andd "Not gonnah happen" and I surely don't want to be kicked about because of my solitation towards it.

I enjoy being "left alone" because there isn't anyone to make a scene or say the wrong thing. Because guess what, it's just me and I know what I'm doing. I'm not sitting around wallowing away in dry tears and biting myself for any forms of stupidity. I'm having my own counselling. I'm planning things out and getting to the point of what happened, why do I feel this way, and what is it that could be done. Just because I'm not talking to you doesn't mean that I'm disowning you or something. It just means I'm not talking to you, it's not of the basis of "I don't want to" but more of "I can't". I can't get the rights out to show what's floating about or just articulate everything up enough to not have to go through a dramatic mess.

All I want is a tranquil place to be. I don't want all the hootnany of vanity and just nonsense. I want the simple seriousness that gets all the cards onto the table and to just. . . I just want better. . .

tea is served @ 5:20 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

23.2.05

Ah la la. . .
"Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason"[Ananolic(?)]

[Lovely end to a scholastic season. Glad it's over, one less thing. . .]

No da, retreats really aren't bad. It's much easier to explain everything out when you don't have to even talk. Just think and it'll all flow through and make sense. There isn't anyone to object or question or explain it out for themselves to understand it[which ends up desparaing it all together].

And besides, it's just natural and a lot earier to handle. After a while, the whole Open Up to Others just gets so cluttered and then you never really know when to say it because you know it's an obligation to Tell them and yet you don't really know how or just don't know when and it's all just such a mess. And plus, what's wrong with reasoning things out with yourself than just popping opening in front of a crowd? And eh, it's just the numbing of the wound before it can finally heal, well in my terms : :drop: :

tea is served @ 9:38 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

22.2.05

Well, I'm not going to deny in any way that what Erich posted didn't "mess" me up. Because, it kind of did. . .

But okay, truly to me I don't see anything really changing between us if I get in or move or just get separated from him and everyone else. Things like that, the "consequences", don't bloggle my mind, may be as much as they should. I don't tend to automatically see the darkness as soon as it strikes.

Seriously, Erich, I'm willing to keep things as they are with us. Maybe because there things I just can't always take in saturatedly, but I'm pretty optimistic about what may need to be done to stay together. I mean, our story's always been different from many others, I don't think it needs to have a possible ending that's predictable, like those long distance blahs.

And still, in a sense, there's still time, God permitted. I believe in things being done because they're just Meant to Be. So, even if I am dreaming, I still feel that we too may be as such and doubt that things could tear us apart. Maybe I'm just in my own little world or am forever dreaming, but I'm willing to still stay close to you, even if it's clearly visible that the possible separation is of my doing. . . But I just don't want to end it like that, if anything. And above all, I just don't want to hurt you. . .never wished to. . .

And just. . ahhhhh. IMSA's always been that weird oasis Nancy and Lynda showed me. Seriously, I've been dreaming of having a dorm there for well over 6 years. I've never had as much support for trying out, applying to, trying to get into something as I have for this. I can't help it anymore that all obstacles are pushed to the back of my mind. I can't help it, anymore, that those who matter the most to me have been turned into blurred visions and that campus has been the only vivid thing. My ambition for making it there is what has driven me into this sanity. Surely, if I could see myself as I am now in seventh grade, I would be ranting on about what on earth has drugged me or if I got seriously smacked in the head or something.

I just ask that all others forgive me if I've been in this vain journey or have just been selfish with all this. My mad mood-swings and craziness have all been the nega parts of this. But I know I've managed to fix those up and just tried to still my head. I'm filled with a thousand thoughts and only 8 fingers, two hands, and one mind to express them with. . . . The only reason I would ever risk so much is if my full heart was placed into believing that that object would save me from living in the enclosure that I've always dreaded. I'm not saying I need IMSA, but I need to find the legs it could finally give me. I'm tired of watching all relatives around me travel and make great things out of themselves and feel so helpless in doing the same nothing every day. IMSA just seems like the fuel that I've been searching for in order to finally, seriously, get what I want out of life. ::my words may mess up now because I'm just super shaky and teary eyed and just trying to get it out::. I'm sorrie, but it's just something I need to do for myself. But it doesn't mean that my world will circle around myself alone, for it never could. . .

tea is served @ 11:13 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

[Oh, so have to do homework by candlelight more. It's so tranquilifying and just funky. It's great and saves energy.]

Hmm, Keane's "Everybody changes" is not a bad song.
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same." Hit's the spot, doesn't it?

Oh how about Filter's "Take a picture"?

"I don't believe in your sanctity, your privacy
I don't believe in sanctity, a hipocrisy
. . . Could everyone agree that no one should be left alone. . ."

Oh how about their "Miss Blue":

"Should we close our eyes and say goodbye. . .
When do you think I'll be okay. . .
Hey you, I fell in love with you. . .
Hey you. . .You say goodbye, yeah;
Don't say goodbye. . Say goodbye. .

Jimmy Eat World[Work]
"Can we take a ride and get out of this place while we still have time?
. . .Work and play are never okay to mix the way we do.
All I can say, I shouldn't say
Can we take ride? "

U2[Electrical Storm]

Car alarm won't let you back to sleep
You've kept awake dreaming someone elses dream
Coffee is cold but it'll get you through

U2[New Year's Day]
Under a blood red sky
A crowd has gathered (in) black and white
Arms entwined the chosen few
the newspaper says it says
Says it's true says it's true and
we can break through
Torn in two we can be one
I,I will begin again
I,I will begin again

But none the least how about Damien Rice, as desert, eh? "I remember". . .
"I remember it well
The first time that I saw
Your head around the door
'Cause mine stopped working. . . .

I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
I remember december
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want?"

I just really wanted to sing and listen to the music, you know? Just let the music solve all those things. . . Just gottah drift for a bit, ya dig?

tea is served @ 7:23 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

21.2.05

Man, growing up things were pretty cool, hmmm? Everything nice and calm, yeah you had your fights here and there but everything was pretty darn great. No one told you about the wars, "terrorists," suicidals, crazy maniacs that roam the streets. And why? Because you were just too young to understand, it wasn't time yet.

And then Time flew by and no one barely knew. All these crazy feelings started to emerge out of almost Nowhere. The world was acting totally crazy and you just couldn't understand it. All you wanted was for things to go back to the way they were or seemed to be. Everyone made things and Life seem perfectly great and then out of no where came "Reality" and Life was a struggle. . .

I don't like it when people say "Oh, he's just 4. He doesn't need to know about all that." Well wake up and smell the recycled air, people. For how long will things and facts be put off because "They're not ready yet" and all those other excuses because they don't know how to put it "nicely." Not all things can be nice. I mean, bah, Life is a Struggle. There is no road of no resistance. Exactly who was able to live by being served off a silver platter all their life, eh? That's right, no one. And it's like that for a reason. . .

Cannot we all just anty up and kick in? Show those struggles what struggling is all about.

tea is served @ 6:58 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

20.2.05

[Uh oh, I'm running out of blog thoughts. . .]

Ever just wanted something to get over with and be done? Just feel super impatient and want school to be done with. I just want time. . .

Want time to be able to think properly again. Not always so clustered in thought and mangled up in making simple decisions, you know? I feel as if this school year may take a large amount of time to end. Last year was so different though, I swear I must have been half asleep through eigth grade. For the simple fact that I barely noticed it was the last day of school. Maybe because I was almost always on the run or finishing up something. I never realised how fast that year went until I realised I was in high school, I'm turning sixteen in like almost 6 months, that I'm about to possibly start off a whole new daily routine schedule. But this year doesn't look like it wants to End!>.<

But enough with my moaning!
Okay, okay I only feel like that also because of this upcoming summer. I might be the traveller I always dreamed to be. I get to drop Daniel off in Texas and stay for some days, might go to the Big Apple for a week or two with Sonya, plan on staying with Nancy during all the house to house moving and juggling, and if I'm lucky, I may actually go to Nigeria and see Mama Ku Ku[Grandmama]!

It's been like 7 years and I want her to see how much I've grown[cheeses]. It's just meeting me in 2nd grade and not seeing me again until freshman year, now that's a Lot of growing! Just want to see her face again, I remember all of her tatoos too. She has black lines on her face and figure like images on her arms. Ha, she also chews tobaco[eewww, but it's a memory man!]. Darn it, I miss my grandmum!. . . Ha ha, I remember the last time I talked to her on the phone, it was like 3 years ago or something, and I called her "Mamá" and everyone was like "It's Mama Kuku!" But she didn't correct me, was just glad to hear me. Man, I think she's like the only person who's broke English is so sweet to me right now. But like, I miss her from finally hearing stories of her. She's such a strong woman through all she's gone through. She lost her parents in two weeks, without knowing because she was pregnant. And then travelled to show them her baby girl only to find out they died three months previously. She came back home with her three brothers and no daughter. Because her baby died there. I wanted to cry. . . But she overcame and is like freaking awesome.

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19.2.05

[La, just finished off one of the wackiest mornings evah. I woke up a lot later than I plan, we had to turn back on the expressway, my mind was in tune with random songs through circle filling and now it all seems a tad far away^^.]

So, on the expressway, I realised how bad I want to go on a road trip. That thought came up after realising how much time I spent in a moving vehicle on an expressway last year alone. And it was a Good amount^_~.

I just want to travel, see the beauties I miss out on while reading and studying and practicing and sleeping. I don't want my life to be filled with endless amounts of work, stress, and time crunches. I want the freedom of my mind to reign over such. Offices are pretty darn nice, but the roads are better.

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17.2.05

Just think: Paradise! It's only a melody away. Sit within the darkest of your room, curl into a ball and allow your mind to drift. Push away all things that bother you and you will find your paradise. Neither money nor schedules are necessary, for the sound of silence is paradise.

Yesterday is trying to be a wrinkle on my forehead. To let it go, I listend to my Celtic-like songs, grazie Lynda, and just thought of myself being that melody. Diving into the must beautiful water like a dolphin and waltzing upon a cliff with a masked partner. Nothing mattered but my inner peace and it was what I've grown to except.

Stop concentrating on all that's needed and just focus on the moment. "Things will turn in time."

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15.2.05

So yes, the words need to be censored at times. . . Cursing just sounds way too harsh for me now. I say, when you're near or around me, talk to me as if I were the the lady I always dreamt to be.

Don't curse, it's just too much. Your image just turns into something different than what you really are. You go from the rich merchant living on London bridge to the stew house keeper[a brothelkeeper]. Not saying that you're slimy, but just not seeming of the intent to be highly respected. Especially when, in my terms, your sentences can be analyzed like so: [beep], I forgot my combination!. . . Blah blah blah, [beeeeep] [beeep]-hole!!!! Ga-[beeep] it, [beeep]!.

I mean seriously, so yes such language can spice up your meaning. But there is a limit. I can only imagine it being used in deep poems or songs with a good point, in which the anger is understandable. But when you use it in "regular" speech, you sound like a fool that wants others to see that you're not the 5th grader from down the street, you're the high schooler and have This kind of rep.

In a sense, cursing seems as demeaning as calling someone a "cracker" or "nigger" or a girl that dates 3 guys in a row a "hoe/slaught/skank/whore". ::Though I don't understand why that is when a guy does it he's officially a "pimp." It all goes to show how lowly females are still thought of.:: I say to end it, it's all just rubbish.

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14.2.05

"Being intimate with someone can feel awkward and wrong. But with others, it's just natural"[Damien Rice]

Ah, I just rediscovered Damien so naturally I'm just really into all the things he's said and his music. And naturally, it'll pass in a bit. But man, he's one cool Brit, or Scot. . . Anyhow, I agree with him. When you "try" to be close to someone it's an obstacle and certainly Is awkward because you're aware of all the expectations and don't want to be rejected or just seem like a fool. But then come those people that make it seem more like a fountain, or even waterfall, than an irrigation system or generic, Made In China, water sprout from like that guy named Pepe that usually dances in front of K-Mart or something. You know? It's just real and natural and basic the way it's suppose to be, it its own terms.

tea is served @ 8:33 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

13.2.05

"Chichi, what's the matter?"[Tanzi]
"I finally woke up. . . " [Chi]

tea is served @ 10:16 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

[Damien Rice]
"Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die"

Lovely, now that's a 90's song! It's a cool metaphor for how the stones can be the ones that proved to one how sitting squat in one place and never trying anything can make you just want to get up and soar through the forest. They proved stubbornness to be a burden. Love has taught me to lie. I've lied for those who needed me to protect them, help them and keep things mellow[yellow]. And Life taught me to kill the part of me that could get in the way of what's right, ambitions, and just to keep things okay. Self denial for a better tomorrow. To be able to survive, we each must die.

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12.2.05

Last day of EIP, my tears are invisibly flowing. But we had fun, Desmond told us a story about how a homeless man came up to him and Teddy. Man, that kid's great.

Stand up for what's right. . .

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10.2.05

[Switchfoot, This is You Life]
"Are you who you want to be
This is your life
Is it everything you've dreamed it would be
When the world was younger
and you had everything to lose "

Love music. Love the lyrics, love the beats. It's so much more lifting than a sulky soul. It's what you aren't and probably never will be, but it's something one can always look up to. Contentment seeps in for simply being who you are. And that's why people love you, because it's just You. . . {Man, I've got to find that Him song, Alex!!!}

tea is served @ 8:22 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

[This is to an old crush, has nothing to do with Erich. . . ]

But, that's how it is now, eh? Don't really even try to talk to me anymore. IT all gives more reason as to why I, in my mind, I never really saw anything. Because it was all about physical appearances. Isn't that so? Isn't that why we drifted in whatever friendship we still had? Might as well have not known you than to be sitting here feeling as if I were a trophy of some sort or so, And that since "we" never came to be, that's just another "dream," "imagination," down the drain and just erased from the story, the photo, of your life. But thanks, you helped me realised how great it feels to be with someone that doesn't only want to call me theirs, create a love-lie, and then toss me away, when they're done. Thanks for reasuring me that this just may then work out. I guess in the end, yes I must use that word I don't like, but I only "liked" you.

I thought your personality was who you were. But I guess I never knew anything about you. I feel empty for having tried. You confused me. But I was only living with my eyes half open, wasn't I? It was so many years ago. . .

tea is served @ 7:42 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

9.2.05

Don't take what you have for granted, ever! One day, I sitting and Mum was looking over something with me, she was standing above me. Just hearing her voice made me realise how much I love her and how badly I missed our simple times together over the summer and these past weeks. I mean, yes, she has been home and all, but each of us has always had to "get to work" and lose quality time together.

And also, I just have a natural tenderness towards mums, considering how wack my relationship is with my father. I mean, he and I are basically quite formal towards each other, almost all the time. It's even worst with how I actually do want to learn something about our ancestry and there forever seems to be no time from daily obligations and the fact of how far we are.

But, I don't resent him being my parent, things wouldn't be the way they are today, and I'm quite glad with present things so far. I probably wouldn't even have a blog, nor even friends like all of you![^_^]. Besides, I wouldn't even have my twin, Nancy.

tea is served @ 3:16 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

8.2.05

Aiyoh, alright my computer is going through an Adware mess and AIM isn't being much of a sweetheart to me. Meaning, until I fix the computer, it may be a while for AIM or so. Well, unless I'm feeling brave^_^

What a wonderful way to arise for day! The other day I woke up to Keane singing one of my favourite childhood songs, "The sun ain't gonnah shine." It's not like that R&B one that goes like "Ain't no sunshine when he's gone" but like "The sun ain't gonnah shine anymore, the moon ain't gonnah rise in the sky. The tears are always filling your eyes, when you're without love." But it's Most definetly not as it appears, it's a really upbeat, happiness, song. I mean, yeah maybe that's why I love it so. Because it's ironic, the lyrics make you almost want to cry but the beat keeps me smiling for so long.[I'm cheesing right now!^_^].

I'm lost for words. . .

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6.2.05

"'Cause if you need love, take the time to be loved. . . Things will turn in time."

So yesterday I drilled myself on SAT stuff. In which I came to find, I rock on the practice tests at EIP but can easily bomb the old Real ones. I'm so scared. . .

But! I also realised important qualities one should have in life. It is good with live with purpose and meaning. But don't allow all of your emotions in block your path. Don't take actions because you felt like taking them, from the urge of desire and longing. For one day, you Will make someone cry. It will come back and hurt the people you hoped would never find out. We all just have to aim for the right causes with good purpose and not be the fools of the moment that create horrid ones for the ones that actually do care. . .

tea is served @ 12:52 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

5.2.05

Fell asleep while reading and preparing for my own little SAT practice session. I was walking down Michigan Ave. Towards my usual train station. There was a homeless man on the ground, crawling towards me, acting mentally ill, and pointing to his paper cup. I looked down at him and was reaching for my cents, but he started to whack out on me and was digging in his ears to make it bleed and was moaning for money. I started yelling at him, "Stop doing that. . . You don't need to act like this, I know you're perfectly sane!"

Then I reached into my bag and pulled out a 5 and a 1, I thought of basically myself and what I would need in the future, and gave him the one. Before I handed it to him, as he was screaming and bleeding, I started being a shrew and was shrieking about how he had better pray to God for strength and help and to not do this to others, also that he was ridiculous for such actions. He nodded, grabbed the one and ran off to a stadium/auditorium area and sat in the front row. I wasn't able to get in, but could see him talking and I heard him too. And he sounded Ridiculously ingenious in vocabulary and outward presence. I was stunned and then ran over to the wall to get a better look at him, but couldn't see, but I surely could still hear him.[weird]

Soooo, tell me. What would you do if you had to help someone that you didn't know out? Would you go by the prejudice of how the poor came to be or actually give in for self denial and have faith that they would send the money wisely? Not all that seem as scum in appearance are scum at heart.

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4.2.05

I don't understand how one can be obnoxious and a pointer at the same time. . .

Zoot suits are super awesome. But had an image behind them, so it's all just complicated.

Is it a lie when you do something, without much thought other than it seems okay, and then give it reason for others to understand? With my collage, my reasons are far off what was in my mind at the time of its assemblement. It's an awkward situation. . .

tea is served @ 6:34 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

3.2.05

[Had a fun day, especially after school with Son, Erich and O. Ha ha, that wig was greeeat]

Prior knowledge from books is one of the best things to have. I have this Algebra word problem that's Super complicated to work out, because it has an odd sequence. But when I looked at it again, I figured that it must be a Special pattern and find it to be right, because of my handy dandy encyclopedias in my mini library. That's why it's so good to read something new or informative.

I even read on Nonsense works, with like Jabberwocky and Elephones, and it's so funny. The words are Crazy and make me laugh because of how awkward they appear and sound.

Man, if you find the right stuff, Reading is Total Aus. So go read something goooood.

tea is served @ 10:25 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

2.2.05

Ever had those times when you're super willing to get w/e needs to be done, done, and then you realise that you just don't feel like using your hands? And your hands are the only things that will actually complete the task? Ai, it's a hard habit to break, but it' work it, now isn't it?

People say that your best art work comes from your crappiest moments. For me, it some times comes when I'm barely thinking or when I'm in deep thought and don't feel like stopping. . . To think is to be powerful. . .

tea is served @ 6:00 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------

1.2.05

Ryan's posted Again!. . .

[Ever so sleepy] But yes. . . . Um. Argh, block. . . !

tea is served @ 7:53 p. m. --------------------------------------------------------------